Joy in Burn

25 Feb, 2025

In 7th grade, my friends and I built a small battery-run boat for the science exhibition held in our school.

We had no idea about electronics, concepts like density, and how the shape of the fan should be so it propels the boat forward.

We just broke a remote-controlled car, took the tiny motor from it, and attached it to our boat. For the shape of the fan, we just did a hundred iterations to figure out what works.

That's how we were—lacking knowledge, inexperienced, but driven by stupid curiosity and mad enthusiasm.

And I was a bit more stupid, crazy than others.

While building the boat, we had a problem with sticking components together. Back then, we didn't know soldering gun existed. All we knew was fevicol, which didn't work.

So, I, the stupidest of all, came up with the idea: Light up the sketch pen caps (of course, being an idiot, I held them with bare hands), melt them, and pour it on the components we want to stick.

Guess what? It worked! Also, the hot plastic burned my fingers.

I had both tears in my eyes and a smile on my face. Tears, because it hurt like hell. And smile, because I solved the problem.

Then: Battery-Run Boat, Now: Full-Stack Web App

I've always been fascinated by the idea of building a SaaS with all the frontend, backend, data storage, Google signup/signin, payment gateway integration, etc.

Problem was, I'm not a coder. Building a full-stack web app seemed impossible. Then AI tools came along, and suddenly I could give it a shot.

For the past 30 days, I dedicated most of my time to building my first web app—a subscription tracker with built-in analytics.

While building this project, I learned how to

• Use AI tools—Claude, Bolt, and Cursor AI
• Handle data with Supabase
• Set up Google signup/signin
• Make API calls
• Integrate payment gateway

I even dabbled with Docker!

For anyone who's familiar with coding, all these seem like kid's stuff. But for someone like me, who doesn't code, it was a really big deal!

At every stage, I encountered a problem that had a hundred more hidden problems in it. But I didn't give up. I faced the problems, sought help when needed, and figured out things.

My subscription tracker is now 95% complete. There's still an issue with the payment, but I'll either crack it myself or seek help and get it done.

Though I learned a great deal of things with this project, I let myself burn again. Not with hot plastic this time, but something equally damaging:

• I barely slept, often staying up until 3 AM, sometimes 4:30 AM, battling code issues and learning on the fly.
• Movement? Almost none. I sat for hours straight. On top of this, I didn't eat on time. So, my health? Fucked up!
• Also, I threw away $50+ on AI tools because I didn't know how to code but I really really wanted to build this damn thing.

My work suffered too. I delivered work to my client but neglected pitching new companies and staying active on social media—things I should do as a freelancer to keep generating leads.

But here's the thing: I was so obsessed with building this app that I didn't notice or maybe cared about the damage—be it health, losing money, or even my work. I found joy in the burn!

The Reality Check

Recently, my friend Vik pointed out how much time, money, and effort I've been pouring into this app.

I tried defending myself "It's just a one-time thing. Once it's done, I'll get back to my priorities."

But he saw right through me and said "This isn't the first time. It's a repeating pattern with you."

Reflecting on his words, I realized he was right.

When I become obsessed with something, I go blind to the damage it causes. I just do it, and keep doing it.

For instance,

• In 11th and 12th, I became so obsessed with Physics that I mostly did Physics and neglected Maths and Chemistry.
• In engineering, I was obsessed with building all sorts of projects for tech fests. I stayed up late, lost money, and even neglected coursework for a while.
• When I fell in love with writing, all I did was write. I wrote a bunch of short stories, countless poems, and even published a couple of books. The result? Couldn't secure the rank I expected in GATE. (Tbh, no regrets, just saying)
• I bumped into no-code and built 3 mobile apps back to back. Again, neglecting the priorities.
• I got so hooked on the novel "The Silent Patient" that I read it in one sitting, missing a work deadline.
• And there's this forever obsession of mine—Chess, which I'm so scared to go deep into because I know I'll just sprint miles and miles without looking back even once.

It was all fine as a student, but now things are different. I can't afford to abandon my priorities.

This realization was like a tight slap on my face. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and hated myself for being this way.

Maybe It's Not That Bad

I discussed this issue with another friend, Ruthvika—how I become so obsessed with things that I neglect what matters.

She listened, understood, and empathized.

Then she said something unexpected: "Maybe it's not that bad."

Though her words were comforting, I needed the reason. So, I asked, "Why do you think so?"

She replied, "It's because of this very nature of yours, you found what you love—writing, and made a career out of it."

I paused for a while. Reflected on what she said. And realized that it's true!

If I wasn't this way, I would have never tried writing and built a career out of it. I did it only because I was obsessed about it.

Then, all of a sudden, things became clear.

• It's because I was obsessed with building projects in engineering, I participated in tech fests held in IIT Guwahati, NIT Warangal, IIT Hyderabad, and more.
• It's because I was obsessed with writing, I published two books and got into freelance writing.
• It's because I was obsessed with no-code, I built 3 mobile apps.
• It's because I was obsessed with finishing the Silent Patient novel, I read it in one go.
• About Chess and Physics? I can't exactly tell how they helped but I'm pretty sure that a lot of credit for my logical thinking goes to them.

Also, if I wasn't obsessed with building the full-stack web app, I wouldn't have completed 95% of it in just 30 days.

And if I wasn't obsessed, I wouldn't have built a battery-run boat in 7th fucking grade!

So yeah, this nature of mine is not that bad after all.

But Priorities Are Priorities

I'm 26 years old now. I've got both short-term and long-term goals to hit.

So, even if being obsessed about something and giving it all is not that bad, it's important that I stick to my priorities.

But again, I'll still tinker with hundred and one things, build projects, and do crazy things—all while making sure that I don't let go of my priorities.

The way I am—obsessed, getting carried away—might not be the best quality, but it did help me find things I love. And with a little tweaking, I can still be myself and build a better life.

So, no more self-hatred. Instead, I'll improve myself without losing the essence of who I am.